Episode 41: Dr Ramani Durvasula
How to take back your life from narcissistic and toxic people
healthHackers® episode 41 with clinical psychologist and author Dr Ramani Durvasula
In this episode, you’ll discover:
The hidden clues of a narcissist within their Instagram posts
Why millions of us are drawn to follow narcissists on social media
The best way to handle a narcissist when they are trying to hurt you
Who a narcissist is most likely to target
The narcissistic red flags during early days of romantic dating
How to take back your life from a narcissist
When narcissists themselves feel sadness and pain
How to deal with a narcissistic parent or sibling
The symptoms of post-narcissistic stress disorder
What causes a person to become narcissistic
Why narcissism is becoming “the new normal”
What to do if you think YOU are a narcissist
Key steps a parent can take to prevent their child from becoming selfish and entitled
Tips for dealing with trolls on social media
How to handle gaslighting
Stemming the tide of ‘narcissism, entitlement, and antagonism’
The most-watched and most-commented-on video on the healthHackers® YouTube channel at the time of writing, is the one in which clinical psychologist Dr Ramani Durvasula explains how to handle a narcissist, sociopath and psychopath.
The popularity of that video feels telling - yet disconcerting.
We recorded it a year ago, when Dr Ramani told me that narcissism was “the new normal” and it was “getting dangerous”. Check out that episode here to recap on the traits of a narcissist.
Since then, the pioneering LA-based psychologist, who has supreme expertise in personality disorders and relationships, has written a new book: “Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility,” with a call to action:
“It’s time to stem the tide of narcissism, entitlement and antagonism, and take our lives back” - Dr Ramani
“It’s time to stem the tide of narcissism, entitlement, and antagonism, and take our lives back,” stated the press release that was sent to me about the upcoming book.
In healthHackers® episode 41, my second and latest interview with Dr Ramani, she told me: “I don’t know a single person… who doesn’t have at least one significant narcissist in their life.”
We addressed some of the hundreds of questions that viewers had left underneath our first healthHackers® episode. Viewers had written about their experiences with narcissists - some heartbreaking to read.
Then, we got stuck into the nitty-gritty of just how exactly we can take back our lives from (or at least limit the damage caused by) toxic people.
“I would say, number one - stop engaging with them,” she told me, suggesting not to defend them and avoiding getting into romantic relationships with them.
Her next step was not to get drawn into playing their “really dirty ground game.” No matter what mean things they say to you.
“I tell people, you do you.
“If you can let it go and not get in the mud with them, the best thing that happens is you don’t get any mud on you,” she said.
Dr Ramani warns not to get drawn into a narcissist’s “really dirty ground game”
“Everybody is so concerned with what the narcissists are getting away with. I tell people: ‘tend to your own little patch of the world’,” she said, and suggested we “don’t worry” if narcissists try to ruin it.
“I also tell people: ‘turn off the news from time to time’… it can make us think the world is a far more toxic place than it really is.”
Then she recommended “the 90/10 approach”.
This means you give 90% of your effort and energy to kind people in your life and then 10% - mere “crumbs” - to the toxic people and bullies.
“We give so much effort to the toxic people because we’re all caught in this game of trying to please them, trying to win them over like we’re trying to win over an un-winnable parent,” she explained.
Another key tip was to “stop giving second chances.”
“Second chances is how we enable narcissists. It’s how they’ve already gotten so much power,” she said.
“When somebody behaves in a really unacceptable way, they’ve just shown you what they’re capable of. Judge them on that basis - it’ll save you a lot of heartache down the road.”
According to Dr Ramani, narcissism seems to be “endemic in our world leaders” and therefore is generated, repeated and even rewarded through mainstream media and beyond.
“It normalises the conduct,” she said.
“After the 2016 election in the United States…none of us as therapists had ever seen such an influx of patients into our office at the same time. It was almost unprecedented,” - but she added that rhetoric from all political sides, not just President Trump’s camp, contains a new level of antagonism.
I asked her about social media’s role in all of this - including individual aggressors on Twitter.
“Most internet trolls are narcissists. I don’t think I’ve ever met one who’s not,” she said.
Thankfully, as a highly experienced clinical psychologist, Dr Ramani had great advice for dealing with trolls. You can hear her single key tip in healthHackers® episode 41.
Then tweet the video to your favourite troll. ;)
Buy Dr Ramani’s books here and watch her YouTube channel.
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Dr. Ramani's podcast.
Dr. Ramani's website.